Battling Depression and Anxiety (1) | How I Finally Had My First Psychologist Visit and Today I Decided to Quit

June 18, 2018

It could be a long one to go through what I have been through in this blogpost. But with this one, this writing, I'd like to share with you about the voices... the silent battle I can't conquer; and how I overcome the situation (with extreme changes through super challenge I make for myself) after years of self-doubts that keeps me from being an achiever I used to be, a countless anxiety attacks, and even series of episodes of dysfunction.

With a series of revelation I gained last year, now I can conclude, the best thing you can be grateful for in life is the supportive energy surrounds you. But it's not a total guarantee that everything will be fine.

I lost count on how many friendly meetups, concerts, weddings and many other important events that I've missed just because I couldn't get up from my bed, feeling confused, rejected, and locking myself in a room with fears inside my head.

The third last anxiety attack even made me rush to the Emergency Room and resulted into nothing.

On that day, I felt like my heart was about to explode, my head felt like pounding. I wanted to scream so bad, but my conscious mind was still intact to forbid me not to because I was still in the office and that would be weird. So, I held it all with a report I was working on.... yes, I kept on working for a few hours. In the middle, I took 5 mins off to the bathroom where all those anxiety could only burst into tears. A stream of tears I tried to hold back so hard, as I didn't want to get out from the bathroom cubicle with swollen eyes from crying.

I used to hold it back.
Hid it inside me until it killed me and died with all of me.

And there were nights where I was awake due to the episodes where it brought out the best and the worst in me. It could be me, having numbers of revelations after crying out loud for the things that had happened and finally able to accept it which gave me certain inspiration and bunch of ideas which all of those kept me awake to work on it. BUT also me, where I spent my nights with nothing: only wasting my time, not resting, not productive either. Yet, with tons of regrets, I kept reminding myself with. Self-blaming. It was like recurring or regular reunions with them. Progress then decline. One episode I can have myself move on, then there comes another episode to drown me back.

However, I think I'm progressing now, but what an 'insane girl' knows anyway?
All I could tell you that it's been ups-and-downs, even though I'm getting there.

It's never been easy, of course. Going through this alone, walking the day through the night every day as if there hasn't been any dust stuffed my lungs from breathing the shit out of my life.

Anyway, I live the day as if I'm ok.

People can (and always) come to me with their problems. Many times even ask for my help to support another people. When people are in trouble, I push myself harder to be awake at 2AM, or attending a meetup where I'm the one who actually ask for it as a form of support.

It finally killed me when I realized that nobody ever did the same. Nobody is there for me, nobody is asking somebody else to give me extra support.

I had my first psychologist visit, after years of not thinking that I might need one + after another few years of looking for the perfect schedule due to my then workload (as I also work on weekends in a few companies in a row in my work history). Those two and because I was not really sure to go, as well. I felt reluctant.

Until it went so severe that I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't control myself. Every night, I cried. For nothing and for everything. Believe me, on that phase, I could easily cry, explode with rage and etc. Worst. Blaming myself. Blaming everything.

So yeah, then, I thought, maybe it WAS the time to have a professional help.

It was 1st visit, around October, through a reference from a good friend who has the knowledge and a handful of resources on that matter. Oh well, I can tell you I pushed myself harder in order to make it to that visit. During the worst moment, I also tried to talk through with some people, hoping it would go out and leave, stop flooding my mind and heart with a burden that made me sinking in ugly reality. Somehow, it's not working. I retreated, evaluating how much I have wasted my energy to fear and time in dysfunction state.

The conclusion was... I might need another 3 sessions. But if he could find more clues of what I am dealing with, it might be more.

And what am I having? He says, 'acute depression.'

All the rage, brain fog, endless sleeping (and sometimes insomnia), self-harm, memory loss, more intense ADD, fear, anxiety and paranoid. Those aren't the problems, they are the impacts resulted from an unknown problem. Unknown here could be .... unidentified (yet).

After knowing all this, I was like... what? Ok.
What should I do?

Some suggest me of lowering my target, try to live slower and forget everything. I can't. I have a purpose in life, people whom I need to make proud of myself---and I'm also one of those I refer as 'people'---and drive to get in some point.

It's hard when you have to appear stronger than anyone else, and then you could find people blaming you when you're being on the low side.

It's hard when you have to run, chase the dream, living the life in hurry as you know you don't have much time.

It's hard when you have to do trial and error in order to have the maximum experience of life, but your fate tells you that you can't afford to fail like anyone else.

It's hard when you have to deal with this heart and mind of sinking ship, but you need and want to focus in order to succeed as you dream it. It's hard when you know, people don't have to deal with the same thing, yet do nothing, but achieve more than you do.

It's hard, no matter how hard you try to keep on moving on towards your dream, with everything ugly you have..... I repeat, you are TRYING so damn hard, but people tell you to stop by telling you to be grateful. These people are telling you that you're not grateful enough or pray as much as you're supposed to and ask you to give it all up after everything.

I just want a fair life, a fair start. And it seems like I'm far from it. That's why I'm quitting to think of going back. Coz it won't be the same fight. Coz it won't give me a little better life as I'm fighting this, I might be far behind to get the life I want.

When you spend so much to have yourself recovered from such trouble and pain, then you feel better only just for a while. Whether it's external factors or the broken side inside your head. You'll know afterward, you'll just gonna see the reality and end up stuck in the wrong place all over again. Fighting the misunderstood stream opposite your way, with those silent voices that choke you.

However, my shrink visit DID give me a little difference. I know I have a problem. And it's okay.
It was.... a good start for me or someone like me who is also dealing with silent battles.

This post might be the ugliest writing but I'm telling you I'm trying.
And I'm telling you, honestly, I still do self-harm, but I know a way (for now) to deal with it.
It might help you... with anxiety attacks and depression or not. It helped me. Surprisingly.

Right after this post.

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  1. Hi Brigida, Try and stay positive and accept you can't please everyone it sounds like you put too much pressure on yourself to succeed. I do hope you're able to stop self-harming and keep fighting.