The Art of Forgiving, It's a Matter of Timing

November 02, 2017

Well, I'm not blogging for some time until today, this morning to be exact, I got revelation!

I don't care that this is not Sunday but I feel the bliss to write.

Regarding the title... No, I'm not going to tell you that I woke up just like that... and feeling awesome all of a sudden just like that and having an angelic whisper, "maybe it's time to forgive!"

Oh no! Not like that. 

Honestly, I'm telling you...
it has been a complicated journey 

And no, I'm not in the mood to forgive of what had happened because I'm back in the good mood due to much sleep I got lately, or forgiving mood as some might call it, or whatsoever. It's a matter of... when people say time can change you, yes, it can. That's what it just did to me.

But once (well, many times) time has changed me into something I'm not---which in the process, I started to realize, jeez, I'm losing my mind, I'm losing myself. Until then, it all become: I HAD LOST MYSELF. 

And there came a moment where I said to myself, I had lost everything.

Simple, if you might say. Shit happened. Well, shit always happens.

Even though (you think) you're not ready (or if you think it's too much for you). Eventually, shits keep on coming. Right?

No matter you have passed the move-on challenge for the first problem or not, more shits will pile up and you'd find yourself drowning into complete darkness where you can no longer find your true self coz it's just plainly dark around you and that suffocates your soul. Totally overwhelmed with your incapability to get things over. I'm slow learner to do it.

There you reached a moment where Agatha Christie once wrote, "Some of us, in the words of the divine Greta Garbo, want to be alone." Alone, looking for peace but actually you're drowning more into regret and... hollow.

During this lonely phase, many times I blamed many people, for what they did, and then blamed my ugly fate. Why do I have to meet such people? Why life is so shitty to me? My temper shortened faster and life became harder to live on, my soul turned drying out. I couldn't stop asking and asking without finding any real or relieving answers that makes me feel better to step forward with everything. That's all I could do. Lame!

Till I found the conclusion after years of getting to the same cycle of being in a deep shit and only able to blame everything including myself: All I've done, I only stayed right at the same point where I started. Only, different places, different people---yet, same shitty story.

Another lesson learned---or, another conclusion: IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. Does it make me feel better to know that it was all of my naivety and stupidity? Of course not. My power and energy went lower and weaker. Starting from my health started failing (well that, also thanks to too much work I let others piled up to me, but I kept on doing it anyway without any complaints---but you know when I started to get fed up and do my first complain, right? Yeah, you're exactly right. People just didn't get it and made things even worse).

While time kept on changing me into something I'm not, all I could think of was: why did I let these all happened in the first place? 
Then, funny, the universe through some people started to blame it back on me, too. Saying that I didn't do things in smart ways. How cool is that? After everything I did so hard, people thought... that I was just completely stupid. Whoa!

---alright, I wanna stop complaining here so you won't get bored.

But this was part of the journey that brought me back. So brace yourself until... my revelation!

I started to be very much skeptical about almost everything. Angry at any time for small reasons, letting them out at all costs. 

After feeling like the world is playing against you, I lost all of my bits on positivity, even though I'm proud to say that I'm not a positive person as I think it's always better to be ready with all the worst case scenario. When one by one people you meet is only to fail you, all of my power to be a little patient, trust and love have run out.

Everything I saw was all bad. It feels like... you have betrayed yourself after hard work and effort you gave. I hardly trusted people and always see the bad side of everything. That slowly ruined me without me knowing. Again, I asked why on shits that came to me. I thought I never learned. I felt much worse than Sansa Stark.

Weeks of weeks ago was the lowest point of my life because I saw everything about me was a complete failure. Nothing that I achieved, I was born a shit... and the list went on.

The thing is... I was upset. All I get that it was normal coz people treated me awfully. But I can't have that reaction of anger which I can let on in returns. Like in all those memes, when people being such a pain, you get angry and you're the bad guy. Congratulations! Not talking about revenge, but even for having a pain itself in you after what people did to you was already making you the shittiest people on earth. I'm telling you, this phase made you feel like... you're not getting anywhere.

I started to think how the world works. Is it just me? Why are there some people born to be such a pain and they're still seen as heroes. Wow! How fair, is that?

It's like you're born to be a dumbass people can just legally hurt anytime, in any way. 

Then, today, I woke up and felt like... ok, let's just move on with that one. Sounds mindblowing?

Yes, that one that has been going on for quite some time. Let's say, 2 years by now maybe?
Oh yeah, I can keep grudge for that long. Perhaps more? 

While almost everyone easily says, it's not good to hold grudge.

But, come on, be realistic!

Back on today. So yeah, no matter how motivated you are in standing against the world, you'll lose. As Hercule Poirot said, "I could not rid myself of the impression that evil has passed me by very close."

Yet you lose, you'll win in another way.

Time changes things. You and everything.

I was betrayed many times. Then, this one is about another friend at work betrayed me a few years ago. I started to widen my personal space that people can't touch or break in. In result, I felt lonelier than ever, although I think I can live with that.

Ever since, it made me difficult to trust people. Because the betrayal affected almost everything I pursued and tried to build. It's like a wave crashing your sand castle. BOOM! In a blink, all of your efforts were none.

After the revelation I got today... I don't know, I started to see things differently. Thanks to doctor meds I took (maybe). LoL.

The story was once I backed out from a very cool job offer, just because for this person. Because I thought this person needed me so much and I wanted to help and we had created a comfort zone where we could actually grow together for good.

Oh yes, I was THAT naive!

Then, well, you know, time changed people. People you trusted so badly, gone bad---leaving you lost and disappointed. There I go...  sooo upset.

The grudge, I thought, was forever. After looking up on everything I have made so far, I'm glad it happened!

Yes, no kidding. Coz then time changed you. Time changed people. Time changed me. Through time, there's how the mystery of life reveals its agenda to you.

I mean, I've been thinking of many what-ifs.

What if things were going simply straight ahead? 
What if the comfort zone was still there until today... Would I still be there? Where would I be? How would I be today if I stay? Would I be happy? 

So you know, I kept moving places, bracing myself to new challenges even though I might not be ready or feeling comfortable. In any other words, I risk my life and future. However, I re-think of it again... for any challenge that I give it a try.

Any hard situation I'm in right now, because it's always something new that I'm being in. 
It's because I learn something more, therefore I'm actually upgrading myself.

And yes, I realized again, if I stay for stability I was always dreaming of... the comfort zone, I wouldn't have any adventure that gave me something more than anyone else who stays. If I didn't lose my comfort zone, I wouldn't have thought to leave.

I might not have so much more compared to anyone luckier than me, but, at least, I'm dancing in the wind that takes me.

And, all I need to do now is... prepare for the worst. As the movie is coming out, I'm sooo dedicate this post for all the quotes of Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie, 'that there are in the world such evil men! It tries one's faith.'

It is what it is.

I'm not trying to tell you to see things differently and stop hating. I just wanna say, it's a matter of natural process and time will do the work in mysterious ways. It's a matter of timing.

Time has changed me, things and my people I thought as friends and families.
Time still does what it does. Time has changed me again.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

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